Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
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Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?