The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
You Might Also Like
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby