Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
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“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
A flock of dads is called a grill.
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
Feel. He’s so soft.
Seen an ambulance at the hospital..i hope the doctors are ok
I need more from my antidepressant, like clean my bathrooms. Go grocery shopping. Pull your weight.
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
*seductively corrects your posture*
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe