God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
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If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
operators are standing by to ignore your call
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
bad news gang
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.