If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
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Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox