Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
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Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
I like long walks away from everyone
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout