I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
You Might Also Like
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
I’m just playing devils avocado here
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully