Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
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Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
The news: Kidnapping, war, starvation, mass murder.
Me: There’s nothing worse than having a hangnail.
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
Cat.
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order