so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
You Might Also Like
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election