Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
You Might Also Like
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
Wasps: bees, but not helping
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
incredible text to wake up to
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
anyone else like Italian cereal
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime