Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
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Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
dude killed a sea lion with his bike