my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
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Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?