I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
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Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.