Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
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Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots