Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
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More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
I will never stop laughing at this
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out