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If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.