My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
You Might Also Like
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
i was baptized in a car wash
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
idk what this dog had been going through but same
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?