I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
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If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
💻🤡
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.