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No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
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Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?