Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
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The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.