Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
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*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
Phonetics
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
Warm pools make me nervous.
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.