[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
You Might Also Like
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.