When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
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I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess