Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
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[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
I only eat vegetarians.
Camels: Can drink 100 liters of water at once and go a full week without rehydrating.
Me: Drinks a thimbleful of water an hour before bedtime and wakes up to pee eight times.
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business