eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
You Might Also Like
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell