I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
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[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.