Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
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*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
The most important meal of the day is the next one
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like