Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
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6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.