Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
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Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!