*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
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THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.