[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
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My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
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[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
This will never not be funny to me.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.