healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
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Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows