DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
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First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”