[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
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Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
Those are good neighbors.
True.
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
This is me
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.