first you must answer his riddles
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[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
At least my masseuse has my back.
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.