It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
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The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
The booster protects against what, now?
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ