The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
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my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!