I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
You Might Also Like
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me