If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
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A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
figuring out my emotional availability:
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.