My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
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I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower: