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*pokes sex life with a stick
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!