For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
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Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
That’s no pocket rocket.
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
My whole life was a lie.
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick