ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
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I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)