Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
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I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’