Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
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Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.