The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
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Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.