People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
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First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
this could fix me
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
Ain’t no way
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.