Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
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“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.