bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
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[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
so much to do
never ask a starfish for directions
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.