me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
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Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.